Matt Heath: An open letter to Hilary Barry on Jeremy Wells

Dear Hilary Barry,

Good luck with Seven Sharp tonight. I know you'll be great. But before the big debut I just want to share some thoughts about my good friend Jeremy Wells.

He's been my co-host on the Radio Hauraki Matt and Jerry Breakfast show for the last four years. Having worked with Jeremy nearly every day for so long I feel obliged to offer you some advice. He's a good person at heart but there are some quirks, warning signs and perversions you need to be aware of.

1. He's a big unit

Jeremy is 6 foot 4. 110kg. He'll gulliver you in any given photo. So you'll want to get some books to stand on.

But that's not the biggest problem with Jeremy in a studio environment. Born and raised in Remuera he is dangerously stiff. Zero flexibility. Don't ask him to pick anything up off the floor; he can't get down there. He walks like a 90-year-old man crossing the finish line at the end of a fun run.

Also he has no ability to reverse. There will be times when he gets stuck behind the desk. It might take a few of you to get him back on his feet. But he'll be okay.

2. Odour

Jeremy is hugely scent-focused. The smells are always pleasant but sometimes he gets the dosage wrong. If you find yourself feeling a little light headed behind the desk, it's probably the new Persian custom cologne mix he's running. This is important: If he tries to reapply scent during an ad break have a word.

3. Length of ablution time

If you see Jeremy heading for the bathrooms he won't be back for 45 minutes. He's not the kind of co-host who can nip out for a wee during the break. He'll head to the bathroom with a book, a cricket ball, a photo of Trent Boult and a dangerous amount of moisturiser. Jeremy's youthful skin is the result of an intense facial regime. Cleanse, tone, moisturise and repeat.

4. Don't let him slip into route or weather chat

We were in Dunedin once. A couple came up and asked for directions out of town. After 25 minutes of Jeremy banging on about different travel options through the Southern Alps the couple began to back away while maintaining eye contact. There's a serial killer vibe to his travel options. The guy is a walking deadpan talking map. A directions life sucker.

His weather talk is even more punishing. If he goes missing at TVNZ you'll find him following weatherman Dan Corbett around like a giggling school girl.

5. Jeremy Wells and Mr Hyde

Outside of the studio you never know which Jeremy Wells you are going to get. Either dangerously polite and conservative or shirt-off dancing like a snake. His dining etiquette is something to behold. Pointed fingers on his knife and folk. Utensils together at the end of a meal. Knowledgeable with the staff. An encyclopedic wine knowledge. Best just get what he's having when you're dining out.

That's advice I wouldn't suggest you follow at a music festival. He's a monster in a crowd. A steamed rhino in a wide-brimmed hat. Crowd conducting, shoulder riding and screaming incorrect lyrics. Worst of all he gets horrifically sweaty. If you are out and about with this Jerry, take a towel and a change of clothes.

I know you and Jeremy are going to be great together. He's a one in a million. A great New Zealander. Very talented, great fun and reasonably good looking. If you follow these five simple tips you should enjoy years of trouble-free co-hosting with the man as I have.

Once again best of luck for tonight Hilary Barry.

I love you

Matt Heath

This article was first published on nzherald.co.nz and is republished here with permission.