Matt Heath: Day Three, the ACC Pink Ball Diary

DAY THREE: Things have gotten weird for the Alternative Commentary Collective. The walls of the Beefy Botham Commentary Box atop the Northern Stand at Eden Park are closing in on us. Cricket is the greatest of sports. Yet calling a rain delayed test is like covering Shakeltons failed 1911 trip to the South Pole. A cold claustrophobic sausage sizzle. Unlike Shakelton we don't have booze, cocaine or morphine to pass the time.

Normally The ACC would abandon ship to the pub with the first drop of rain. However, now we are on Sky TV as well as iHeartradio a new level of professionalism has creeped in. The ACC has gone dry. The irony. Seven dangerously sober men in a commentary box built for the world's leading wine consumer.

Three things make the rain delays particular rough. We got England out for 58 runs so we deserve to win. Kane Williamson got his 18th ton so we deserve to win. Plus…in the morning I umpired 56 overs of Junior cricket in the burning heat. Kids were dehydrating on the domain. Yet when it's time for the big boys to play at Eden Park. It pisses down.

The 17 balls we got did bring joy. A well deserved patient half-century from Henry 'Hairy Nips' Nichols. What a great New Zealander. Sadly that wasn't enough to clear the gloom descending on the team. Ball by ball commentators Jeremy Wells and Mike Lane are no longer talking after they disagreed on who was a better first change bowler Gary Troop or Stu Gillespie. Wells believing the size of Stu Gillespie's backside gave him the edge. Lane refusing to budge, stubbornly pointing to Troops height and moustache. It nearly came to blows when they both went for the last slice of camembert on James McConies' cheeseboard.

Still. Tomorrow is another day. Bring it on. We can beat them in four and a half sessions. So please Jesus grant us six. So if you're in Auckland get your arse down to Eden Park. If you can't tune in on iHeartradio or press the yellow button on your sky remote for full ACC coverage.

This article was first published on nzherald.co.nz and is republished here with permission.