Matt Heath: Eat, drink, sleep, binge, relax and be merry

New Zealanders worked bloody hard this year. Longer hours than any country on earth. We have pushed ourselves to the limit. We've been good, tidy, contributing Kiwis for nearly 11months. It's been hard and painful and we deserve a break. Luckily the summer holidays start in just four days. 'Joy to the World'.

We spend most of the year beating ourselves up for not being perfect. Lose weight, get fit, learn something new, be nicer to workmates. As a result we never fully enjoy ourselves. Sure we find time to over eat and drink but we don't celebrate it. Some fight it. That kind of self flagellation is fine Feb through Nov but the festive season is about being festive. Christmas and New Years are an officially sanctioned time to service your desires. A time of sloth, gluttony, lust, love, giving and family. Christmas is an official holiday hall pass to do what you want. As Andy Williams sang 'It's the most wonderful time of year'.

So first things first. Throw all your fitness and weight loss goals out the window till Feb. You're not going to meet them anyway so let yourself off the hook right now.

If you are running a low carb diet, do the opposite. Treat yourself to a yuletide carb load and we're not just talking Christmas Day. Do it everyday. Dip your potato chips in potato and gravy, pack pasta into your sandwiches, butter two fat pieces of white death and shove a mince and cheese pie in the middle. Deck the halls with carbs - you deserve it.

If you've been running a low sugar operation this year. Now is your window to throw that out the window. Tis the season to sweeten everything. Eat your sugar straight out of the bag with a spoon. Pour it into your sugary 2 litre bottles of fizzy till it turns to sludge. Stuff your turkey with it. Bath in it. Smoke it. Spread it on your sheets and sleep on it. Whatever you feel like doing with sugar the next few weeks is the time to do it. As the songs goes 'Bring us some figgy pudding and bring it right here'.

If you've been going to the gym regularly throughout the year, Christmas is your time to stop. No weights, jogging, spinning, stretching or foxy boxing. Nothing aerobic at all. Sit on your arse all day watching cricket and don't apologise to anyone. On Boxing Day grab yesterday's chicken, turkey, brandy snaps, Christmas puddy, sherry, lamb, champagne, beer, pav and ham bedside you on the couch and sync your Sky to the Alternative Commentary Collective audio for the Black Caps V Bangladesh.

This is best done by pausing the vision on your Sky coverage as the bowler reaches the wicket. Listen to the ACC stream till you hear the scuffs as the bowler bowls then release the vision. Boom you are in sync and will be for hours. 'Hark now hear the angels sing'.

The holidays are the end of year reward for your labours. So don't do anything you don't want to. Don't even get out of bed in the morning. When you run out of cricket, watch all of Westworld at once. Why not rewatch the entire Sopranos, The Wire, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, House of Cards, Game of Thrones, Vikings, Narcos, Mash, Happy Days and Cheers. Whatever you do, do not do anything around the house that needs to be done. As Band Aid sang in 1984 'There's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear'. Don't go out there.

Unless you want to. We don't have a Christmas 'winter wonderland' here in New Zealand. So fishing, surfing, sailing, swimming, sunbathing, Pokemoning, backyard and beach sports are fine just don't paint the fence, mow the lawns or fix the spouting.

New Zealanders work harder than anyone. We are better behaved and nicer as well. We are great people. Good looking too. We deserve good things to happen to us. That's why it's so important to completely let your hair down during the festive season. 'Simply have a wonderful Christmas time' as Paul McCartney sang.

If you don't do it now you'll drop dead by April. So eat, drink, sleep, binge, relax and be merry. God knows you've earned it. See ya 2017.

via NZ Herald