Matt Heath: Is it time to stop telling your kids off?

Spending lots of time with your kids is a test of parental creativity.

The big holidays are coming up and that means spending lots of time with your children. Which is great. We all love our kids. What a treat. They're special gifts. Until you have to spend multiple full days with them.

This summer you can look forward to your precious babies doing dozens of really stupid annoying things. They can't help it. Children are idiots, our job as parents is to teach them what's right. Unfortunately that involves a lot of telling off. Which is boring for us and them. Disciplining gets repetitive, ruins family time and eventually the kids just stop listening.

After a while they zone out on the fun stuff too. Helpful fishing tips are ignored because you were berating them moments before with "don't touch the knife, don't surplex your brother, don't throw the life jackets in the water".

Important advice in the backyard like "elbow to the sky Guppy style" when you smash it back over my head, doesn't sink in because they're sick of hearing from you.

To make it worse their coach tells them the same thing the next day and they do it. Which leads to more telling off "I told you that a hundred times and you don't listen to me".

The truth is they do what coach says because he hasn't been telling them to get off the iPad 20 times a day forever. It's a massive problem.

My two kids are nice smart, healthy young boys. A couple of great New Zealanders in the making. So I decided to see what would happen if I let them do whatever they want for a day. No telling offs. No advice. No suggestions. No matter what.

It was a huge mistake.

Sunday 6.55am
Woke up to find my sons outside hunting pokemon with my iPhone. They'd grabbed the device while I was sleeping and pressed my thumb on the unlock button. A crime that deserves a lecture. But instead of telling them off, I joined in. We caught Psyduck, Gengar and Ekens. As well as a bunch of punishingly common Pidgeys, Zubats and Rattatas. Good times.

Sunday 7.25am
Watching the TV show of the year Westworld when I hear a massive crash in the lounge. Rush out to find a Minecraft sword stabbed through the belly of the Christmas tree. Dozens of ornaments rolling around on the floor. Obviously very annoying, but I let it slide, because I'm not telling them off today. Instead I pull the sword from the tree and attack. An epic living room-destroying kids-vs-Dad sword fight ensues. So much fun. This plan is working out great.

Sunday 9.05am
I'm backing my brand new Ford Ranger out of the driveway to take my 7-year-old son to a play date. He swings the door open while we're reversing. It smashes into the gate. I hear an horrific groaning as the metal bends back. Door ruined. My brand new truck, my pride and joy now has a massive dent in the door. Argh! But I'm not telling them off today. So I have to let it slide ... hold my tongue. Let it go.

Actually screw this. "You don't b***** open the b***** door when the b***** car is moving!" Play date cancelled. Massive lecture. Huge telling off. I love my new truck.
A disappointing end to my experiment.

Children bring so much joy. Unfortunately they're also annoying idiots. It's our job to teach them to succeed, grow up and become great Kiwis like us.

However a life of telling off is no fun for anyone. Messages stop getting through and backyard cricket suffers.

So I suggest you take a telling off holiday. Let things slide for a bit. Chill out. That way your children will be ready to listen when you really need them to.

It worked for me. Well it worked for about 2 hours before my brand new Ranger got its door bent backwards. Who opens a b***** car door while we're b***** moving?

via NZ Herald